Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
