I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize