I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
