not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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