Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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