Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
