I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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