My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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