I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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