This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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