Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
