Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
