hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just high enough for therapy.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
where are my eyebrows?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
