I seem to have left my pride at pride
You smell like stripper and shame
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
