I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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