When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
