Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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