4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
