I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
