My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
