I wish my penis had an off switch
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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