i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
