I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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