I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
