I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
