i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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