My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
