i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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