I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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