Already got asked if we're dating
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
