Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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