I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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