I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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