forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
