You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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