i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
