I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
