Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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