I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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