The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
