Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
the day after is always just damage control
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
