Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
