I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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