I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We don't watch enough power rangers
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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