We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
