I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
