She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
