Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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