My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
