it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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