I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
