We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
