Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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