I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
