how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
