I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
