You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
