Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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