I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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