I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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