Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
