I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize