You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
