so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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