rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
