My nipple is on Facebook.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
